Ten-nial Celebration

What you are reading right now is the tenth edition of Extra Innings. In honor of this milestone, I’d like to look back and reflect on some points that I’ve previously addressed. I thought it would be cool to have ten points – but I don’t have that much space. So here’s five. In an order that makes sense to me.

5) I’m sorry about the Seneca Park Zoo’s loss of the baby elephant. Earlier on in the year I made the comment that they’d be “birthing some more elephants” and that we could borrow them for elephant polo. I felt kind of bad looking back at that. So, I’m sorry, elephant lovers of the world. I’m a Republican, so it touched me too.

4) I proposed that our football team should challenge USC. In the end, our season didn’t turn out exactly how we wanted it to but hey, neither did USC’s. On top of that, they basically lost the entire team to the draft. At least we still have a lot of our guys for next season. Ha. We’re still going to get you, Mount Union. You just wait.

3) Hockey got a raw deal. This is probably one of the hardest working club sports at Fisher and deserves to either be made an official sport or get better funding. I know that it’s a club’s responsibility to get funding but it’s an expensive sport and it really isn’t logical to expect them to foot the bill by themselves.

2) I still stand by what I said about the mascot. Update or overhaul. It’s a cardinal, not the Phanatic.

1) I recently commended the school for naming the basketball court in honor of Bobby Wanzer, the founding coach of the game here at Fisher. I praised the administration for refusing to succumb to monetary desires and for recognizing an integral part of our history.

I take it back.

I found out that for the court to be named after Wanzer, a group had to raise $100,000 in his name.

Ten grand.

Is that what it takes to honor someone here at Fisher? Money? Where’s the honor in that? What’s next? Rich Uncle Pennybags Presents Bon Appetit? Richie Rich Hall? Montgomery Burns Park-N-Ride?

I’m sorry, Bobby Wanzer, but despite all the pomp and circumstance you saw at the ceremony unveiling the court, the school insulted you. And we all owe you an apology for letting that happen.

And with that, here’s to another ten.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 10; March 5, 2006)

Dear Coach Carroll

Dear Coach Pete Carroll,

I am writing on behalf of St. John Fisher College to invite your football team, the USC Trojans, to come play our team, the SJFC Cardinals. Yes, I realize that your team plays Division I and we play Division III but it’s all football, right? Yeah.

I’ve looked at the stats and we’re really pretty similar. Your starting quarterback, Matt Leinart, has completed 63.1% of his passes and thrown for 1947 yards and 12 TDs. Our starting quarterback, Nick Suchyna, has completed 71.8% of his passes and thrown for 1597 yards and 18 TDs. Matt may have us when it comes to passing yards but Sooch takes the crown when it comes to completion percentage and TDs.

Top USC running back Reggie Bush has 761 yards rushing and, look at this, our James Reile also has 761 yards rushing. And Reile has three more TDs than Bush, 12 for Reile and 9 for Bush.

When it comes to receiving, Troy falls. Yeah, you’ve got Dwayne Jarrett with his 568 yards and 9 TDs but I’ve got one word for you – Noah Fehrenbach. Well, I’ve got one name for you. This kid has 918 yards and 12 TDs.

Okay, you guys may be ranked number one nationally for what, something like 70 weeks? The last time someone else was in first place, there was a Democrat in the White House. Yeah, we might be 13th in the D3 polls but we all know that the other Division III teams cheat. Yeah, the cat’s out of the bag now, Mount Union. Ha.

I’ve got a couple of stipulations that would go along with you playing us. First off, Matt Leinart has to throw with his non-playing hand. That’s only fair. This guy’s going to be the first overall NFL pick come next draft so I think he can overcome this change in his game. Reggie Bush, you’re going to wear a blindfold. Remember how much fun that was back in kindergarten when you had Mexican Day and had a piñata? You’ll enjoy this too.

Also, I know that Leinart is friends with the Simpsons sisters. Bring Jessica. Please. There are a lot of people here who would really appreciate that. Ashlee? Don’t mess around with us like that, Pete. I know that you’re trying to get rid of her but don’t dump her here. We don’t want her either.

We’ll take care of all the costs, just save your receipts. I’ll submit them to RSA or something. Unlike other guests – cough, Gavin DeGraw, cough – I’m sure you guys won’t rip us off.

Let me know what you think about this proposal, Mr. Carroll. Feel free to give me a call sometime and we’ll work out the details.

Thanks.

Bill Kuchman

-Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 4; November 2, 2005)