Fisherlympics

For those of you keeping track, 2006 is once again a year for the Olympics. More specifically, the Winter Olympics. The 2006 Turin Winter Olympic Games.

While the Summer Olympics go hand in hand with presidential elections and have the more traditional events like swimming, running, and trampoline, the Winter Olympics are somewhat limited – basically to events that involve snow or ice. Which is why they’ve had to find a dozen different ways to compete with a snowboard. Boy, am I looking forward to Snowboard Hopscotch. Go Team USA!

Anyways, it seems that people really don’t care about the Games this time around. Maybe it’s because fan faves likes Michelle Kwan are gone. Or maybe it’s because no one cares about Russian dudes dressed in sequins. Or maybe it’s because Turin is just too far away. Or maybe it’s because there’s also another session of Olympics going on in some city called Torino. Man, that’s some poor scheduling.

Maybe we need to create some Olympic excitement here at Fisher.

Welcome to Fisher Winter Olympics I.

Athletes will compete in many thrilling events staged around the lovely grounds of Fisher’s Pittsford campus. Some of the featured events include:

•The Murph Marathon: Participants must trudge through several feet of snow, braving blustery winds all in hopes of getting to class in time. Will the paths be plowed? Will traffic allow them to cross over to Fisher? Will these daring athletes make it to Basil despite the cruel luck of being placed in the Murph?

•Campus Center Speed Skating: Fisher Olympians will race through the new Campus Center, trying not to slip on the stylish yet dangerous tiling. Yes, those multi-colored squares may look cool but don’t let your guard down or else you will find yourself in last place.

•Cold Shower Plunge: Competitors will test the very limits of their endurance in the Keough Hall showers. Who needs warm water when you have guts? Only those with heart should enter this battle. Heart and immunity to hypothermia.

•Hockey: Oh . . . that’s right – we cancelled that. Never mind.

Those rooms above the Cyber Café will be used to hold the medal ceremonies – no one’s ever in there anyways. The medals themselves will actually be made from spray painted AOL CDs since I don’t think the school’ll spring for real gold, silver, and bronze – well, maybe bronze. I pretty sure bronze runs cheap.

All we need now is TV coverage. Somebody call Bob Costas. I can’t wait.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 9; February 22, 2006)

An Olympic-Sized Flop

So what are we now? A week into the 2006 Winter Olympics? Something like that. And what do we have to show for it?

As of 1 PM today, we have 10 medals, six of them golds. Germany and Norway have 15 medals (Germany six gold, Norway two gold). Russia and Canada are also above us on the medal rankings.

Pathetic.

What happened to the United States being an Olympic power? What happened to American domination?

So far, Turin has been close to disaster. Bode Miller has gone 0-for-3, making careless errors. Lindsey Jacobellis lost a gold that was hers when she decided to show off a little. The guys hockey team can't beat third-world nations. The girls hockey team suddenly isn't invincible. A Russian figure skater who is known for his sharp dressing skills took that gold . . . wait - actually, I don't want that gold. The Russians can keep it. You're welcome, comrad.

There is a light coming up in the next few days.

I have a good feeling about women's figure skating. Sasha Cohen is on the up and up and should take home the gold there. I really don't care about Michelle Kwan - never won a gold medal in her prime and she's now past her prime.

For the most part - and with the exception of Jacobellis - we dominate at anything that involves a snowboard. I'm pretty sure we actually invented snowboard. We need a strong showing in these events in order to salvage these Olympics.

The United States doesn't lose to Norway.

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