A Summer of Sports

How was everyone’s summer? Short? Yeah, I know the feeling. I clocked in an average of 60 hours a week at work. Between working at a CVS and working at a science warehouse – where I put bagged animals to the shelf – I didn’t have much free time. That doesn’t mean though, that I didn’t have time to take in the wide world of sports. Here’s a little timeline of my summer in sports.

April 29: Watched the NFL Draft. Being a Bills fan, I’ve grown to use to disappointment and failure. It’s a sad thing, but I’ve come to expect it. For a team that changes head coaches and quarterbacks more often than Hillary Clinton changes sides on an issue (save this one – you’ll all appreciate it come the 2008 presidential election), you really can’t expect much consistent success. But I’m used to that. So when the Bills came up with the eighth pick in the draft this year and Matt Leinart was still available, I should’ve just known that the Bills leadership would screw up. I mean, why would Buffalo want a two-time national champion, Heisman winning, box office draw? Naw . . . we don’t need those in Buffalo. Instead, the Bills took a safety who no one thought would even go in the top ten. Amazing. Just amazing.

May 28: Barry Bonds hits career home run 714. Baseball fans weep on this day. When talking about Bonds, I’m legally required to use the word “allegedly.” Bonds “allegedly” used steroids. Bonds “allegedly” cheated at the game of baseball. Bonds “allegedly” scarred the record books. Retire, Bonds. Do us all a favor and retire.

June 1: The Buffalo Sabres are eliminated from the NHL play-offs. Oh well, NHL, you almost got me to care. Really, you were really, really close. After a year of no hockey, the NHL returned with new rules and a new attitude – or at least that’s what the advertising campaign told me. But kudos to you, NHL, you’ve piqued my interest, whetted my appetite now. I think I might just tune in a little bit more this upcoming season. If not for the hockey, but to see the Sabres’ new jersey. Let’s go charging slugs!

June 3: Attended the opening of PAETEC Park. For those of you not from the Rochester area, PAETEC is our soccer stadium, home of the Rochester Rhinos. For those of you not from the Rochester area, the Rhinos are probably the greatest non-MLS soccer team in America. This stadium went through constant redesigns, relocations, and refinancing. So after years of hard work and determination, PAETEC Park finally opened its doors in June. And it poured. Not just your usual “Oh it’s Rochester, of course it’s raining” rain, but torrential downpour “let’s start building an ark in the Kodak parking lot” kind of rain. Due to my disposition to pneumonia, I left at the half.

July 16: Michelle Wie withdraws from the John Deere Classic due to “heat exhaustion."

September 8: Michelle Wie misses cut at the Omega European Masters.

September 15: Michelle Wie misses cut at the 84 Lumber Classic. Okay, for those of your catching onto a trend here, I’m not a fan of Michelle Wie. She worth millions in endorsement deals and Time magazine said that she’s one of the people who will shape our world, etcetera, etcetera. Well, I’m not buying it. So far, all we’ve seen from her is a girl with poor golf etiquette, someone who felt she didn’t have to pay her dues before going trying to go to the top of the sport, and someone who at this point, has made the cut at zero PGA events. For those keeping score at home, Michelle Wie and myself have made the cut at the same number of PGA events. And I don’t even have an endorsement deal.

Welcome back, everyone. Enjoy another season of Courier sports.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 6-Issue 1; September 20, 2006)

Reggie, Matt, the Ducks, and nothing

First up - the NFL Draft. You gotta love the fact that ESPN devotes an entire weekend of coverage to a league's annual selection of players. No one cares about baseball's draft. It's a non-event. Can anyone tell me who the first pick of the 2001 MLB amateur draft was? Yeah, I can, but that doesn't count for this exercise. Now who can name the top pick in 2001 for the NFL? Michael Vick. Anyways, basically anything the NFL does now is a show. You could have the Barber twins in a mudwrestling event while Eli Manning sounds out Goodnight Moon and it would draw ratings. And I, like a lot of you out there, watched it to. Mainly to see who went in the top ten and especially since my Bills had the eighth pick. I'll get to that in a second.

The Texans passed on Reggie Bush. Really, for all their talk about wanting Mario Williams over Reggie, I just assumed like everyone else that Houston management was just talking in hopes of raising the stakes and forcing Bush's and his agent's hand to sign with them. I was pretty surprised to see in Saturday's paper that Williams had agreed to a contract with the Texans. I understand why the Texans passed on Vince Young. David Carr has had problems but he hasn't had much to work with up to this point. Which is where Reggie would've come in handy. A dynamic player would've changed that young franchise.

So because of the Texans' blow chance at an amazing talent, the Saints got lucky, something the city of New Orleans hasn't had much of lately. I've heard talk that Bush isn't going to sign with the Saints and he's going to hold out for money and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. That would be a PR nightmare. A disaster. I really hope that Reggie Bush doesn't want to be the one to turn against that city. I thought Eli Manning was a punk for determining where he went as a rook but anyone who snubs NO would be deemed a monster. So whoever it is out there helping Bush make decisions, make the right one here.

Now onto what killed me the most about this draft. Once again, the Buffalo Bills excelled in ineptitude. Eighth overall pick. You have to screw up pretty bad the year before in order to get that pick. And you have to screw up pretty bad to waste that pick. Welcome to life in Bills Nation.

Matt Leinart.

We could've had Matt Leinart. You know - Heisman winner Matt Leinart. National champion Matt Leinart. Box office draw Matt Leinart. I knew we wouldn't draft him. I didn't even think he'd be around when the eighth pick came up. But he was so I started hoping that maybe, just maybe Levy and gang would take Leinart. Yes, I know that we have JP Losman to play quarterback. But passing on Leinhart since you have Losman is like passing on Stacy Keibler since you have Teri Hatcher. Teri Hatcher was nice that one time she was on Seinfeld but she's really nothing to look at anymore. And don't correct me on that. I'm a dude. I think that I'll make that decision.

Could you Bills fans out there imagine Leinart playing in Orchard Park? I personally would bestow forgiveness upon all Bills coaches and executives for the past decade of blunders if we had Leinhart. I will put money on Leinhart being the next Roethlisberger. Like the rest of the Bills fans out there, I continue to take abuse year after year. Damn you, Bills - why can't I quit you?

Let's see - up next the two-headed play-off monster that is the NBA and NHL. Honestly, I don't really care all that much about either one. I will admit though, that I've slowly started caring about hockey. This could be due to the fact that the Sabres are in the thick of things right now and most of those kids played in Rochester for the Amerks last year. Maybe.

But I've also decided that I don't really have a favorite team in either league. Yeah, I'll root for the Sabes. I rooted for the Mighty Ducks when they played a couple years ago and I still feel a like for them to this day. Maybe it's because I use to watch the movies back in the day. I had a birthday party where we went to see D3 and I got a Ducks hat for my First Communion. When it comes to the NBA, I'll root for a couple teams. The Nuggets for Carmelo (go 'Cuse!), the Cavs for LeBron (go bandwagon!), or sometimes the Kings since they are the holders of Rochester's only championship from one of the big leagues - Rochester Royals, 1951 NBA champions.

I'll talk more about this stuff in later posts. These postseasons go on forever so I'll have about three months of material.

And finally, Michelle Wie. For those of you new to listening to me talk about sports, let me fill you in on a secret: I hate her. Yes, yes - journalistic objectivity, yadda yadda. I'll make an exception for her. I hate Michelle Wie. She'll be attempting to get into the men's US Open again this year and will probably fail at it again.

Who does this kid think she is? At this point, she's won nothing. She is nothing. Michelle Wie needs to go out and win some LPGA tournaments before she tries to play with the guys. Actually, she just needs to stop trying to play with the guys. The LPGA has rules against men playing in their tournaments but the PGA doesn't outlaw women. It should though. I could make some kind of metaphor about Wie being to the PGA as illegal immigrants are to American workers but I'll pass for now.

Basically, Michelle Wie and myself have the same track record when it comes to making PGA cuts: zero. And I suck at teeing off.

Don't forget to root against Barry Bonds. He's only two away from the Babe right now. So please put his failure in your bedtime prayers.


By the way, the first pick in 2001 for MLB was Joe Mauer to the Minnesota Twins. They passed on Mark Prior, who went second to the Cubs.

Dear Coach Carroll

Dear Coach Pete Carroll,

I am writing on behalf of St. John Fisher College to invite your football team, the USC Trojans, to come play our team, the SJFC Cardinals. Yes, I realize that your team plays Division I and we play Division III but it’s all football, right? Yeah.

I’ve looked at the stats and we’re really pretty similar. Your starting quarterback, Matt Leinart, has completed 63.1% of his passes and thrown for 1947 yards and 12 TDs. Our starting quarterback, Nick Suchyna, has completed 71.8% of his passes and thrown for 1597 yards and 18 TDs. Matt may have us when it comes to passing yards but Sooch takes the crown when it comes to completion percentage and TDs.

Top USC running back Reggie Bush has 761 yards rushing and, look at this, our James Reile also has 761 yards rushing. And Reile has three more TDs than Bush, 12 for Reile and 9 for Bush.

When it comes to receiving, Troy falls. Yeah, you’ve got Dwayne Jarrett with his 568 yards and 9 TDs but I’ve got one word for you – Noah Fehrenbach. Well, I’ve got one name for you. This kid has 918 yards and 12 TDs.

Okay, you guys may be ranked number one nationally for what, something like 70 weeks? The last time someone else was in first place, there was a Democrat in the White House. Yeah, we might be 13th in the D3 polls but we all know that the other Division III teams cheat. Yeah, the cat’s out of the bag now, Mount Union. Ha.

I’ve got a couple of stipulations that would go along with you playing us. First off, Matt Leinart has to throw with his non-playing hand. That’s only fair. This guy’s going to be the first overall NFL pick come next draft so I think he can overcome this change in his game. Reggie Bush, you’re going to wear a blindfold. Remember how much fun that was back in kindergarten when you had Mexican Day and had a piñata? You’ll enjoy this too.

Also, I know that Leinart is friends with the Simpsons sisters. Bring Jessica. Please. There are a lot of people here who would really appreciate that. Ashlee? Don’t mess around with us like that, Pete. I know that you’re trying to get rid of her but don’t dump her here. We don’t want her either.

We’ll take care of all the costs, just save your receipts. I’ll submit them to RSA or something. Unlike other guests – cough, Gavin DeGraw, cough – I’m sure you guys won’t rip us off.

Let me know what you think about this proposal, Mr. Carroll. Feel free to give me a call sometime and we’ll work out the details.

Thanks.

Bill Kuchman

-Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 4; November 2, 2005)