Add new sports

As the semester comes to a close, I’ve got a couple of suggestions for the upcoming year’s athletics. No, no, not the mascot again. I said what I had to say about that. And I regret none of it. None of it.

As many of you have probably realized by now, we have a lot of sports teams here at Fisher. That’s great and all but they’re very traditional sports. Football, basketball – yeah, I’m pretty sure I can catch all of those on TV. So, here are some new sports that the athletic program should consider for the 2006 season.

• Cricket: I’ll admit that I have no idea how cricket is actually played. There’s a ball (of that, I’m almost certain), wickets and bats. I think it’s kind of like baseball. Not completely sure but it’s probably close enough. I bet the baseball team could help us out on this one. Just think of the boost in enrollment when we start recruiting all the top cricket players from area high schools. Since there really aren’t many other cricket teams in the Empire 8, we’d be on the fast track toward an E8 cricket championship. Take that, Naz.

• Elephant Polo: The biggest challenge to starting an elephant polo team would be getting the elephants. I checked the Dick’s Sporting Goods ads for this last weekend and they don’t have any elephant sales going on. Once we clear that hurdle – the Seneca Park Zoo is supposed to be birthing some more elephants, maybe they’d loan them out on the weekends – I think the elephant polo team’ll take right off. It should be quite popular. Everyone likes elephants. With the exception of the evil ringleader from Dumbo. He wasn’t very nice.

• Russian Roulette: This might be the hardest one to get off the ground. Recruiting might be difficult, finding people to play against might be difficult, getting school approval might be difficult, getting legal approval might be difficult. It’ll be a challenge. But isn’t that what athletics are all about? Overcoming a challenge. I’m pretty sure I remember that from those posters they use to have on the walls back in elementary school gym class. There’s one key benefit to having a Russian roulette team: unlike other sports, if we suck at this one, it won’t be around very long.

What’s that you say? These aren’t real sports? Listen, if we can consider cheerleading a sport . . .

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 6; December 7, 2005)

Fantasy Football

Every Monday morning during football season, I hop onto the Internet to check one thing. Sure, I’m interested in the scores of the games, but the one thing that I need to know is if my fantasy football team won.

For the past few seasons, my team, The Avengers of the Uncle Dan Football League, have wallowed in the basement, plagued my injuries and bad luck. This season is different though. The Avengers stand in second place with a 5-3 record. Thanks to the stats put up by guys like Donovan McNabb and LaMont Jordan, I’m in line for a play-off spot and a chance at the league trophy.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve somehow missed out on the fantasy football craze that infested computers across America. Here’s how it works: a group of guys get together and sign up for a league on the Internet come early Septemberish. A draft is held and the members of the league pick actual NFL players for their teams. Once the draft is done, each team has a field of players from various NFL teams. In fantasy games, real teams don’t matter – only the individual player counts. Yeah, it kind of goes against the whole team philosophy thing, but this isn’t real – it’s a fantasy.

Once the season starts, fantasy teams are matched up against each other each weekend (just like the real game). After the games are done, the team’s whose players put up the best stats wins. Between “games,” managers can pick up or drop players and trade with other teams. It helps to have a good knowledge of the game to prevent getting ripped off in trades . . . and to maybe rip other teams off. I guess since it’s fantasy football, I can have fantasy ethics.

Okay, so fantasy football may sound kind of geeky but all the cool kids are doing it so it has to be cool now. Walk down your hallway on any given Sunday and you’ll hear guys yelling at their TVs – not at their favorite team that’s losing but at that defense on their team that’s more porous than our Southern border. The worst scenario is when your star fantasy player is up against your favorite team. I just pray that McNabb doesn’t have to face the Bills this season since I might just have a heart attack.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 5; November 18, 2005)

Dear Coach Carroll

Dear Coach Pete Carroll,

I am writing on behalf of St. John Fisher College to invite your football team, the USC Trojans, to come play our team, the SJFC Cardinals. Yes, I realize that your team plays Division I and we play Division III but it’s all football, right? Yeah.

I’ve looked at the stats and we’re really pretty similar. Your starting quarterback, Matt Leinart, has completed 63.1% of his passes and thrown for 1947 yards and 12 TDs. Our starting quarterback, Nick Suchyna, has completed 71.8% of his passes and thrown for 1597 yards and 18 TDs. Matt may have us when it comes to passing yards but Sooch takes the crown when it comes to completion percentage and TDs.

Top USC running back Reggie Bush has 761 yards rushing and, look at this, our James Reile also has 761 yards rushing. And Reile has three more TDs than Bush, 12 for Reile and 9 for Bush.

When it comes to receiving, Troy falls. Yeah, you’ve got Dwayne Jarrett with his 568 yards and 9 TDs but I’ve got one word for you – Noah Fehrenbach. Well, I’ve got one name for you. This kid has 918 yards and 12 TDs.

Okay, you guys may be ranked number one nationally for what, something like 70 weeks? The last time someone else was in first place, there was a Democrat in the White House. Yeah, we might be 13th in the D3 polls but we all know that the other Division III teams cheat. Yeah, the cat’s out of the bag now, Mount Union. Ha.

I’ve got a couple of stipulations that would go along with you playing us. First off, Matt Leinart has to throw with his non-playing hand. That’s only fair. This guy’s going to be the first overall NFL pick come next draft so I think he can overcome this change in his game. Reggie Bush, you’re going to wear a blindfold. Remember how much fun that was back in kindergarten when you had Mexican Day and had a piñata? You’ll enjoy this too.

Also, I know that Leinart is friends with the Simpsons sisters. Bring Jessica. Please. There are a lot of people here who would really appreciate that. Ashlee? Don’t mess around with us like that, Pete. I know that you’re trying to get rid of her but don’t dump her here. We don’t want her either.

We’ll take care of all the costs, just save your receipts. I’ll submit them to RSA or something. Unlike other guests – cough, Gavin DeGraw, cough – I’m sure you guys won’t rip us off.

Let me know what you think about this proposal, Mr. Carroll. Feel free to give me a call sometime and we’ll work out the details.

Thanks.

Bill Kuchman

-Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 4; November 2, 2005)

Baseball Reigns

October has rolled around again and everyone knows that this football season. Or hockey season, I guess. But mainly football season. So why hasn’t that been the subject of conversation lately? One word:

Baseball.

Yes, baseball – the sport that everyone says is dead, that nobody watches, that’s boring, that’s slow, and that’s any other complaint people have come up with. For the past couple years now, come October, baseball rules. Classes are let out early to watch the games, professors check scores during class, strangers stand around the TVs in the Cyber Café discussing the games. For a sport that no one cares about, people seem pretty interested.

These dorms are a hotbed for baseball during the postseason. Last year, there would be a dozen people in my room, glued to the TV, screaming and cringing at every play. Up and down the hallway, the anguished cries of fans could be heard, as their teams went blow for blow.

I will concede though, that this boost in popularity may be due to the apocalyptic series that the Yankees and Red Sox have fought in the past few seasons. If it was the Royals and Devil Rays, I’m guessing most people would be checking out that great Outdoor Life Network programming instead. I guess we’ll find out if that’s the case since this year both the Red Sox and the Yankees have already been eliminated (well, look at it this way, Boston – only another 85 years until the next championship now).

Without the Yanks and the Red Sox, fans of the other teams, of the Cardinals and of the Angels, will have a chance to see postseason glory. This could prove to be a good thing for baseball. Different teams will mean that more fans can be drawn in. I know that there are White Six fans on this campus who love the fact that they get to play this October. The new, young stars of the small market teams’ll finally get some exposure.

Maybe a postseason battle without the Yanks will be a good thing for the game. The Yankees have won their fair share of World Series and it’s someone else’s turn. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a sacrifice to the Baseball Gods to assure them that I don’t actually mean that.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 3; October 19, 2005)

Masked Mayhem

Did anyone see our mascot at the last football game? Yeah, me neither. There was some guy in a red chicken suit pacing back and forth on the concourse – what’s that? That was our mascot? Oh. I see.

So our school has a highly competitive football team and a packed beyond capacity stadium. But the representation of our school, our spirit is a scrawny, red bird. Possibly made of felt. Or rejected Muppet. I’m not really sure. He’s never come into the stands. I’ve never seen him lead a cheer or do a cool dance or mock the other team. In fact, I’m not even sure if he’s a him.

Does or mascot have a name? Is it something clever, like Carla the Cardinal? Brock the Bird? Fernando Fowl? (See, alliteration is clever.) Maybe the mascot should wear a name tag or something. Not like we’d be able to see it as he hides under the stands.

In case you haven’t realized it yet, a mascot can pretty much get away with anything it wants. Ever see these guys at other sporting events? Mascots dance on dugouts, hassle refs, steal kids’ hats, and high five just about anyone within arm (or wing) length. Just out of curiosity, has anyone ever gotten a high five from the Fisher mascot? Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.

We need a new mascot. A bold mascot. One that better represents our campus. Here’s what I propose. The mascot will still be a cardinal but will actually look like a cardinal. He might wear sunglasses, since guys who wear sunglasses all the time are cool. For example, whenever Snoopy put on sunglasses, he became Joe Cool. And we all want a cool mascot, right? Now our mascot’ll need a slick name. I’m going with Crusher. Crusher the Cardinal. Since we crush our opponents. That’s tough.

A couple of people have told me that the Fisher mascot is actually a work study job and that he only shows up when there’s a student to do it. Somebody gets paid to be the mascot? The school pays someone to have the right to anonymously have free reign of the crowd and most of the stadium? I’d do that for free. In fact, I’m offering my services right here, right now. I’ll be the mascot at a football game for free. With full immunity, that is.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 2; October 5, 2005)

'Til Fandom Come

Fans. Without them, athletes are just playing in front of empty seats. And unless you play for one of “The Big Two” here at Fisher (basketball and football), you may have noticed that there aren’t many fans at your games. Or any fans at all.

If you play football or basketball, consider yourself lucky that you have huge crowds and “Cardinal Crazies.” If you play for any other sport, well, it appears that your fan base may be made up of the “Cardinal Cadavers” – explaining why none of them showed up to watch you play.

Why don’t we support all of our Fisher sports? Where’s the TLC for baseball, golf, men’s basketball, men’s lacrosse, men’s soccer, men’s tennis, softball, volleyball, women’s basketball, women’s lacrosse, and women’s tennis. Don’t forget that there are numerous club sports that weren’t even mentioned. These teams work just as hard as “The Big Two” but just aren’t getting the same results fan-wise. Don’t the other teams deserve the same love that we bask “The Big Two” in?

In the case of groups like the men’s soccer team, it seems like they’re doing everything they should be. They play at Growney Stadium, home of the football team, so everyone should know where to find them – we did pack a record 5,983 fans into the stadium for the homecoming game last weekend. This is the team that went to the Empire 8’s last season. The blame for the lackluster attendance is on the shoulders of the student body for this one. Teams like the soccer team deserve our support.

Why aren’t we flocking to soccer games? Or baseball games? Ask yourself these questions. I’m pretty sure that MTV’s going to repeat that episode of Laguna Beach so you really don’t have an excuse. You may not be a big sports fan. Odds are though, you have a friend on at least one of these teams. Go to the game just to support that friend. And once you’re there, maybe the sport will grow on you.

It would be nice if every sport enjoyed the crowds that The Big Two receive. Teams that are doing everything they can like the soccer team are getting cheated. We should all be at their games. They’ve earned it.

Like most of you, I’ll be at the next football game. I’ll be at the basketball games once they start up. But, unlike a lot of you, I’ll be at the next soccer game.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 1; September 21, 2005)