18 November 2005

Fantasy Football


Every Monday morning during football season, I hop onto the Internet to check one thing. Sure, I’m interested in the scores of the games, but the one thing that I need to know is if my fantasy football team won.

For the past few seasons, my team, The Avengers of the Uncle Dan Football League, have wallowed in the basement, plagued my injuries and bad luck. This season is different though. The Avengers stand in second place with a 5-3 record. Thanks to the stats put up by guys like Donovan McNabb and LaMont Jordan, I’m in line for a play-off spot and a chance at the league trophy.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve somehow missed out on the fantasy football craze that infested computers across America. Here’s how it works: a group of guys get together and sign up for a league on the Internet come early Septemberish. A draft is held and the members of the league pick actual NFL players for their teams. Once the draft is done, each team has a field of players from various NFL teams. In fantasy games, real teams don’t matter – only the individual player counts. Yeah, it kind of goes against the whole team philosophy thing, but this isn’t real – it’s a fantasy.

Once the season starts, fantasy teams are matched up against each other each weekend (just like the real game). After the games are done, the team’s whose players put up the best stats wins. Between “games,” managers can pick up or drop players and trade with other teams. It helps to have a good knowledge of the game to prevent getting ripped off in trades . . . and to maybe rip other teams off. I guess since it’s fantasy football, I can have fantasy ethics.

Okay, so fantasy football may sound kind of geeky but all the cool kids are doing it so it has to be cool now. Walk down your hallway on any given Sunday and you’ll hear guys yelling at their TVs – not at their favorite team that’s losing but at that defense on their team that’s more porous than our Southern border. The worst scenario is when your star fantasy player is up against your favorite team. I just pray that McNabb doesn’t have to face the Bills this season since I might just have a heart attack.

- Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 5; November 18, 2005)

02 November 2005

Dear Coach Carroll


Dear Coach Pete Carroll,

I am writing on behalf of St. John Fisher College to invite your football team, the USC Trojans, to come play our team, the SJFC Cardinals. Yes, I realize that your team plays Division I and we play Division III but it’s all football, right? Yeah.

I’ve looked at the stats and we’re really pretty similar. Your starting quarterback, Matt Leinart, has completed 63.1% of his passes and thrown for 1947 yards and 12 TDs. Our starting quarterback, Nick Suchyna, has completed 71.8% of his passes and thrown for 1597 yards and 18 TDs. Matt may have us when it comes to passing yards but Sooch takes the crown when it comes to completion percentage and TDs.

Top USC running back Reggie Bush has 761 yards rushing and, look at this, our James Reile also has 761 yards rushing. And Reile has three more TDs than Bush, 12 for Reile and 9 for Bush.

When it comes to receiving, Troy falls. Yeah, you’ve got Dwayne Jarrett with his 568 yards and 9 TDs but I’ve got one word for you – Noah Fehrenbach. Well, I’ve got one name for you. This kid has 918 yards and 12 TDs.

Okay, you guys may be ranked number one nationally for what, something like 70 weeks? The last time someone else was in first place, there was a Democrat in the White House. Yeah, we might be 13th in the D3 polls but we all know that the other Division III teams cheat. Yeah, the cat’s out of the bag now, Mount Union. Ha.

I’ve got a couple of stipulations that would go along with you playing us. First off, Matt Leinart has to throw with his non-playing hand. That’s only fair. This guy’s going to be the first overall NFL pick come next draft so I think he can overcome this change in his game. Reggie Bush, you’re going to wear a blindfold. Remember how much fun that was back in kindergarten when you had Mexican Day and had a piƱata? You’ll enjoy this too.

Also, I know that Leinart is friends with the Simpsons sisters. Bring Jessica. Please. There are a lot of people here who would really appreciate that. Ashlee? Don’t mess around with us like that, Pete. I know that you’re trying to get rid of her but don’t dump her here. We don’t want her either.

We’ll take care of all the costs, just save your receipts. I’ll submit them to RSA or something. Unlike other guests – cough, Gavin DeGraw, cough – I’m sure you guys won’t rip us off.

Let me know what you think about this proposal, Mr. Carroll. Feel free to give me a call sometime and we’ll work out the details.

Thanks.

Bill Kuchman

-Originally published in the Cardinal Courier (Volume 5-Issue 4; November 2, 2005)